This blog took me a long time, in fact such a long time that I don’t even know when the first thoughts materialized into words. Thoughts kept coming over, events went on about me, and the experience grew and grew into a chaotic mess, which I will never be able to sort out. But I think this confusion is relieving though not satisfying as I will be in a search for more answers.
It all began with the lonely night, me alone in my car returning after a night out with some friends and the song on….
"Yaroon dosti badi hi haseen hain,
ye na ho tho kya phir,bolo ye zindagi hain,
Koi tho ho raazdaar,begaraz,tera ho yaar,
koi tho ho raazdaar,
Teri har ek burai pe dante woh dost,
gum ki ho dhoop tho sayaa bane tera vo dost,
yaroon dosti badi hi haseen hain..."
Well it’s the strangest of all things known to me if not to all of the others. It makes me sad, laugh, angry, all in all it’s a riot of emotions.
A person’s identity is nothing but a virtual fact. I read somewhere that a person is well defined by his friends and foes. In fact a person is a just a coordinate in this infinite space, a coordinate defined by those who love him and hate him. That means that any person that we hate tries to repel us and the person we love attracts us, trying to change our very existing coordinate. I think that a true friend is one who is quiet different in this simple coordinate system. He is the one who doesn’t try to change our very existence, but add a totally new dimension to our lives.
This new dimension is cherished by us all. But we miss out something; we miss out on the existence of that new dimension and the person who brought it along. We may take those very moments as “just another happy moment” in life. This ignorance is what kills me at times. I am not afraid that the friend will stop loving me, but I am afraid what if I stop loving my friend. What if I fail in my commitments???
Yet again, it involves a great degree of vulnerability that makes all this so uncomfortable.
I will never be able to say some things, and this succumbs me to the very extreme. I feel like my mind will blast off to pieces, there are no tears in my eyes, no shouts, no sobbings. Only a faint smile comes over. The ones who don't "know me" take that as the "usual". This maks me happier in such a moment of distress and sadness cause I know that my friend will be listening what I m trying to say. This feeling of assurance is my only possesion. I am willing to lose everything for this possesion.........
how difficult it is to sift through the circle of feelings, thoughts, relationships, understanding.....my effort to pen down these has always been a failure....u have succeed.....after reading ur blog I wanted to b more lucid on all this, wanted to express those thoughts which have innumerable times rackled me....those thoughts which sometimes give extreme happiness and sometimes fill me with extreme fear...those thoughts tht i have never been able 2 convert 2 words.. those thoughts lie close to wht u have tried to convey..i wish to express those thoughts and feel the satisfaction....from yrs those thoughts have made me feel heavy..i want 2 feel light now.
ReplyDeleteit was truly a riot of emotions...emotions that stem from the fear of losing our loved ones..emotions that stem from the burden of commitmments that v must keep up.. emotions ..when v think if this world was not all the same.. n wish if we could keep things the way we want..
ReplyDeletewonder..how often do v stop in our lives n think..if v hav missed out on smthin or smone.. how often do v imagine our lives without someone..unless v do that..we can never savour our true friends....
it was indeed a pleasure reading it.. wish u'd written more of it..
very profound thought and expressed in a very touchy way..
keep rockin!!